Our favorite Bostonian and his floppy hair just came into some major dolla dolla billz, ya’ll. After conning Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) into giving him a $30k payoff in exchange for breaking up with Charlotte (Christa Allen), Declan (Connor Paolo) tore up the check in a fit of manly angst – but let’s take a second to pretend he’s still a few thousand flush.
What should have Declan done with his payout (aside from getting an expensive haircut to save those limp locks of love)?
1. Get a Dialect Coach
Not to be awkward, but Declan is working a full-blown Boston accent and everyone else just sounds normal. Who knows how this happened, but we’re going to guess it had something to do with the transformation from wealthy gossip girl to lowly bartender. We suggest that Declan take a few thou and spend them on getting someone to train that unfortunate drawl off of his tongue.
2. Join a Gym
Declan has his lanky charms, but compared to the rest of the stallions on Revenge, he’s a waif. We suggest that Decks join a gym or hire a trainer so he can grow some pecs to go with his new accent. Either that or he needs to become a hipster, buy some skinny jeans, and develop a fondness for irony. Really, those are his only two options.
3. Go to College
We know Declan is one of the Hamptons’ townies, but he has a brighter future than wiping counters all day. We think Declan should save his cash and put it towards his edumacation! Obviously, he’ll get a degree in seafaring, bartending, Joe-Plumbing, or some other handsy job, wherein he can be a man amongst the people.
4. Buy Some Long-Sleeved Shirts
The Hamptons in July is a sunny place indeed, but Declan needs to take a cue from Nolan (Gabriel Mann), Jack, and Daniel (Joshua Bowman) and invest in a few button downs. There’s such a thing as too much mini-bicep, Declan Porter. We suggest Polo by Ralph Lauren, Hollister, and AF. Or, if Declan wants to go with our previous “hipster” suggestion, Urban Outfitters!
5. Get Sammy Taxidermed
At this point, we’re pretty sure Sammy is a zombie. Doggy friend is full-on walking dead. Taxidermy costs a pretty penny, but keeping Sammy standing is worth the investment – after all, not all dogs go to heaven. We’re getting teary-eyed just thinking about it!
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