‘The Voice’ Recap: "The Battles, Week 4"

‘The Voice’ Recap: “The Battles, Week 4”

 I’m just going to say it- This season is constantly disappointing. Anyway, let’s move on to the final battle round on The Voice.

Team Cee-Lo:

James versus Wade, but more importantly Cee-Lo is wearing one of the costumes from TLC’s “Creep.” We’re talking full blown satin jammies, which I want. James is the adorable Bostonian that once narrowly avoided a shooting (he just decided not to go to the party…?). Wade wore a vest once. They’re singing “True Colors” which is such a Cee-Lo song to pick. The two of them sound great. I love James, if just because he’s an adorable nerd with big ears. Cee-Lo starts to weep out of the SHEER BEAUTY OF IT ALL. Wade gets a little pitchy during the song, but it’s a beautiful rendition. Cee-Lo wanted to make Wade his new soul brother, but….

WINNER: James.

 

Team Adam:

Mathai and Nicolle. Nicolle wants to play the piano during the song, which would help because her voice is a little weak. It’s not big, but it’s sweet. Robin Thicke says her voice is like “morning coffee on the veranda.” Honestly, my morning coffee tastes like Joe Cocker, during the drug abuse years. Alanis talks about flowers and sunshine and stuff that doesn’t actually make sense. But it does. If you don’t think about it. Hey guys, remember when Alanis and Ryan Reynolds dated? Anyway, the battle is a little painful. Adam says he was let down and disappointed in his team. Blake wisely points out, “It comes down to something as simple as breathing.” HEY GUYS DON’T EVER FORGET TO BREATHE OK THNX.

WINNER: Mathai

 

Team Christina:

Moses versus…the country duo The Line? Whatchu thinking about Christina? She definitely wants to shake it up, like some delicious Mio additive to water. They’re singing “I Can’t Get No (Satisfaction).” This is a good chance for Christina to remind us that one time she sang with Mick Jagger. Ah, but even when I want to make fun of her I can’t because this bitch is so fierce. Jewel reminds the Line that they shouldn’t be a wedding band, which I absolutely love. Turns out Moses isn’t a bad singer at all. He’s actually a big magnetic figure during the performance. I barely see the Line. The chick in the band is DEFINITELY not a fan of Moses and seems to be frightened of him. Not a bad mash up, a little uncomfortable but whatever.

WINNER: Moses.

 

Team Adam: 

Carla and Orlando, they’re singing “Rich Girl” which is an awesome song…or ARE they? Adam realizes that the two can’t sing “Rich Girl” so he decides to have them sing “Easy Like Sunday Morning.” Carla is little unsure but she’s kind of adorable. Robin Thicke says Orlando wants to “paint his vocals” which I thought was illegal in several states. Anyway, Carson introduces Carla as “the girl coming out of her shell.” That kind of creeps me out. The battle isn’t great, but I’m too busy testing out Robin Thicke’s theory over the fact you can only hold a vowel singing rather than a consonant. Carla probably won’t win though, just because Carla’s voice died in the end. 

WINNER: Carla! I’m a bit surprised.

 

Team Blake: 

Naia and Jordan. Seriously Naia, you’re adorable but take that sh*t off your head. Dreds are still weird, right? Anyway, they’re singing Jason Mraz. The problem is, Jordan can’t harmonize. Naia still has a bunch of accessories! THIS ONE IS SUCH A TOSS UP! Actually, Naia’s voice annoys me like no other- it’s really whiny.

WINNER: Naia. 

 

Team Cee-Lo:

Justin and Tony are singing “Faithfully.” Can we please put the kibosh on Journey? Also Tony FREAKS ME OUT. Cee-Lo starts crying again. Didn’t I hear that news report that cats can make you crazy? Anyway, during the battle I remember that this is supposed to be the biggest battle of the night. But it’s kind of boring. And Sharon Tharp astutely points out to me that Tony looks like Jack Skeleton.

WINNER: Tony. Boo. He’s so creepy.


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tags:

Sharon – I love you. And yes, this whole night was a hot, f*cking mess!


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